So I admit it.

Yes, my performance as a blogger these days is the suck. Free time spent behind the keyboard used to feel invigorating and fun. Now... if there's free time I'd rather spend it face down on my bed.

March was god-awful. Our employee at Petwerks disappeared. Later the same week we lost Marissa. A week later, Scot's Mom went in for a routine outpatient medical procedure. "Complications." ICU. Multiple organ system failure. Four days later, the family makes the only decision possible, and that is to remove her from the ventilator. She died 15 minutes later.

What. The. Fuck. She was in the back yard building a patio over her deck just days before. She intended to enjoy it during a short recovery.

Nope.

Scot flew first, I waited a few days while they started dealing with the realities of after. Spent a few sleepless days by myself (Saturday through Wednesday night only, but that's a loooooong time on only a few minutes of dozing each night.)

When I'm alone, and I can't sleep, I cook. Made late night brownies and took them into work. Cherry double dark chocolate with a whimsical cherry vanilla glaze. Made some wonderful cheese with milk from Champoeg Creamery; she said her cream line was superior to that other place (where I was getting milk and she had, too, for some time) and she wasn't joking. The milk from her cows is so rich and sweet... the cheese was totally different. Amazing.

Flew out to Indiana to be with the family. Spent a day in Bloomington catching up with Jon and Pat. Drove by the Gosport Opera House, our old project. The people that bought it from us three years ago have been good stewards of it, but they came to similar disappointments as we did, but they remain. But that day was a highlight of the trip.

Pigged out on queso blanco at Casa Brava. Slammed down an order of Pizza Express breadsticks for old time's sake. Don't act surprised that my memories are played out in sights, scents, and flavors. Looked around at things both different and the same simultaneously. Felt lost. 

Piled in a rental van, the three Leith siblings and their partners. Road tripped with dear old Mom in an urn packed in a picnic basket in the back of the van to Wyoming, New York where she wanted to be buried. Beautiful old hilltop cemetery; oldest grave I found was for a gentleman born in the 1700's, revolutionary war veteran. Old family graves were there. Huge extended family welcomed us with open arms. Met lots of great people. Learned that it's not the property that provides the finery for the graveside service, but rather the funeral home. Funeral home who provided cremation services in Indiana did not tell us this. So the service was performed by a Catholic priest standing beside a wooden box upon which an old blanket had been spread, atop of which stood the gorgeous urn that held Kathy. Plastic buckets from Home Depot with clods of dirt in the background. That's no fucking joke. I was mortified and deeply amused at the same time. I'm sure we are the subject of disgracing whispers all over upstate New York.

Visited Oliver's Candy and came home with a 2 lb box of chocolate and some goodies for friends. The chocolate covered cherries I gave to a friend as a thank you all exploded. Seriously? Argh. I opened the box I'd kept for myself and they hadn't exploded -- but the ants in my kitchen had climbed into the gift wrap and into the box. Fuckers! At $23 bucks a box that really, really sucked.

Took a peek at Letchworth State Park, with beautiful water falls. The Grand Canyon of the east, and that's a very apt name. Some pics on Flickr.

Had some nice visitation with my parents, too.

Wrapped things up and came home. Exhausted. Two weeks of work at Petwerks backed up, the personal to do list in a shambles, the yard looking like the property had been abandoned, and dogs very, very happy to see us. Nuzzling my faces in their fur was the most grounding thing I'd felt in a long time. Dogs. Scot. Home. I need it.

I haven't dove since Cozumel. Really want to. But... won't. Gotta work that out. Behind on some personal projects. Getting those back on the radar.

Again realizing that a lot of the bullshit in this world really isn't worth a lick of energy.

Spring hasn't sparked me as it usually does. Is it all downhill from here?

I have a new, larger kiln waiting for me, though. I need to get the electrical rewired for that, and start cooking some glass.