Thursday, February 24, 2011

That did the trick.

An hour of moving, freely, to music within a beautiful space populated with wonderful beings helps most anything. I've connected with an ecstatic dance group in Salem and it's just what I need! I swayed, bounced, and sweat my way through two 30 minute sets of amazing music.

It would seem the winter bounce has occurred. The winter doldrums lead me to a place where my energy flows like cold molasses. Historically, at the point where I begin to wonder if there is anything left inside of me, the death grip that winter has on my soul releases, and it begins to thaw and flow again.

On the one hand this past weekend was awesome; a four day weekend, each day filled by time with a number of my favorite people doing some of my favorite things. On the other, it all seemed somewhat muted, subdued. That feeling of disconnection... it made my heart ache. I get the most amazing help sometimes; I wonder how I can ever contribute to their lives as they do to mine.

The first stage of the return is almost more troubling for with it comes intense frustration with the creative hibernation that occurs in winter. Thankfully, my amazing partner listened to my rambling, and brought forth suggestions to use which are excellent tools to get me back on track. I'm so blessed.

I've felt very conspicuous this week. Despite starting late and struggling to keep the balance last week (a nice string of Chinese, Mexican AND Indian influences), I've met my February goal a few days early. Good stuff. But with it comes negatives. Frustrated that nothing fits. What used to fit now looks like crap; what used to not fit but now does still looks like crap. Also struggling to accept that the body I have spent a good part of my adult life learning to love and accept is changing (and not always in ways that I like). Yoga is having a powerful effect on me physically and energetically: grounding me, connecting me more deeply and showing me truths that are some work to process.

Running an errand today, I presented my driver's license to a beautiful, gentle young woman at the checkout. "Have you lost a large amount of weight?" she said, more as a statement than a question, after looking at my license and handing it back. I was kind of shocked; no one's said that before. "Um, yeah, I guess. But still working on it," I stammered. "You look great. You're on a roll. Keep it up," she said in a very sweet and gracious way. It was appreciated, but at the same time it's an oddly intimate query that just strikes me as odd sometimes.

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